If your life of crime is finally catching up to you, you might be under police surveillance. These 50 tips will help you answer the question, “how do I know if I’m being watched by the police?”
1. iTunes requests to update
If you’re in the habit of committing crimes, be wary of updating your iTunes. Many a crook has been lulled into downloading a software update that turned out to be a police surveillance tool!
2. Police are watching your house with binoculars.
If policemen outside are watching your house with binoculars, that’s a good sign that you’re under surveillance.
3. Amazon begins showing you ads for binoculars because so many police in your neighborhood are buying them to watch you.
Amazon.com will often advertise products that people inside your IP block are purchasing, so if binoculars like this start showing up–beware! The police in your town are buying MANY binoculars to watch you.
4. You notice new people in your neighborhood wearing Apple Airbuds.
One of the quickest ways to identify an undercover police officer is to look at their earbuds.
Wireless Apple Airbuds are a dead giveaway!
5. You notice people being pulled over for traffic infractions.
Look around you. If you see people pulled over for speeding, seat belt violations, burned out brake lamps, or other traffic violations, this is a clear sign that the police are building a case and closing in on you.
6. Clocks are out of sync.
If one clock says it’s 11:11 PM and another says it’s 11:10, you need to start packing a go bag. Clocks don’t desync for no reason.
7. Amazon.com loads slowly when attempting to watch The Wire on Prime Video.
This one is subtle, but police often attempt to stop their targets from watching HBO’s The Wire by slowing down the Internet. Many suspects watch The Wire in order to familiarize themselves with police tactics and procedures, so if it seems like someone is trying to interrupt your binge, it’s probably 5-0!
8. Your printer enters maintenance mode in the middle of the night.
If you’ve ever woken up to find your printer and on and performing some sort of strange maintenance routine, you need to go Office Space on it right away. That son of a bitch is a snitch.
9. Your trash is picked up at an unusual time.
Garbage collection is a clockwork operation–trashmen pride themselves on never being late. If your trash is picked up unusually early or late, it’s an unmistakable sign that the police are stealing your trash to peruse it for evidence. Hope you haven’t thrown out any loose tea! [link]
10. The local police department texts you to tell you that something’s up with the dishwasher.
If you receive a text from the police informing you that your dishwasher isn’t working, you can reasonably deduce that they’re in your house.
11. A sign posted at your door warns that surveillance is in progress.
Proceed with caution if you see a “RECORDING IN PROGRESS” sign.
12. You receive charging documents indicating evidence obtained through surveillance.
If your charging papers refer to evidence obtained through police surveillance, you might be being watched!
13. Your jacket is missing.
Oftentimes, the police will confiscate a suspect’s winter coat during the course of an investigation. If your jacket has been misplaced and does not turn up after consulting Dr. Solomon’s 10 Principles for Finding Lost Objects, it’s in police custody.
14. YouTube asks you to verify your age.
YouTube would NEVER ask you how old you are, so if you get a prompt asking you to confirm your age before you can watch a video, read the fine print: They’re asking you to confess to a crime.
15. Rabbits loiter in your yard.
A little known fact is that rabbits have been trained by the police to conduct surveillance operation. If you start to see suspicious rabbits hanging around your yard, inspect them for hidden cameras.
16. Jeff Sessions appears on the news.
If our nation’s Attorney General and known perjurer Jeff Sessions appears on the news, he might be trying to send you a message: You’re next.
17. Cops pull you over to give you relationship advice.
If, during an ordinary traffic stop, police officers begin to give their input into the bizarre love triangle you’ve recently found yourself in, they’ve been observing you for some time. Still, take their advice into consideration–they might have had similar experiences and have wisdom to share.
18. Discarded Wawa coffee cups and sandwich wrappers accumulate within line of sight of where you ordinarily conduct criminal business.
No one knows why, but police are known to prefer Wawa to the superior Sheetz. If you start to find discarded Wawa cups and sandwich wrappers near your trap, it could be because that’s where they’re staking out.
19. Fuzzy dunlop.
If you’ve ever seen HBO’s “The Wire,” you’re aware of the famous police informant Fuzzy Dunlop. If you see him hanging around, you know shit is about to hit the fan.
20. You were arrested as a minor for a cybercrime, and now that you’re free the Secret Service is in regular communication to determine if you’re abiding by the terms of your parole.
You can be confident that whenever you touch a computer, they’re waiting for you to fuck up. If you plan on finishing high school, you need to leave that life behind you. Don’t hack that Gibson.
21. A formation of five separate cars follows you down the highway.
If you’re constantly being tailed by five cars, it’s more likely they’re police than not.
22. You discover an acquaintance wearing a wire while enticing you to commit crimes.
An acquaintance who unexpectedly comes into your life wearing a wire and cajoling you to commit crimes is likely transmitting audio to the police. Don’t be fooled!
23. Your towel is unexpectedly damp.
Have you ever come home to find your towel unexpectedly damp, even though nobody has been in your house? It might be because a member of the surveillance team took a quick shower while you were away.
24. HDMI devices suddenly won’t connect to the television.
You plug in your laptop to your TV, only to find it’s suddenly not working. This is because HDCP is rarely compatible with surveillance software.
25. Flashlights peer into your home while you’re trying to sleep.
It’s happened to us all–you’re turning in for bed and suddenly people are beaming flashlights through your window. While sometimes this might be something innocent, like a home invader or child looking for his lost baseball, more often than not the police are trying to see what you’re up to.
26. You discover police socks in your bedroom.
Have you ever found a sock that didn’t belong to you in your bedroom? If it looks like this, it likely belongs to a law enforcement officer. Be on guard.
27. You receive an Amazon Echo as a gift.
28. The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” frequently plays over grocery store loudspeakers.
If this hit song is playing while you’re in the grocery store, they’re not just watching you–they’re fucking with you.
29. Pizza delivery drivers arrive wearing suits or police badges.
Have you ever had your pizza delivered by a Fox Mulder looking motherfucker? This isn’t the Domino’s guy trying to look sharp, it’s Homeland Security trying to sneak a peek past your threshold. Whatever you do, don’t invite him inside.
30. People frequently ask you to repeat yourself.
Never repeat yourself. You never know who has a mic in their lapel.
31. When you remove listening devices from your home, the police arrive to retrieve them.
A tell-tale sign–when you do find a listening device in your house and remove it, the police ask for it back.
32. Your webcam is mysteriously on and spying on you.
Has your webcam ever come on for no reason? There’s a reason Mark Zuckerberg and Edward Snowden advise blacking the camera out with electrical tape.
33. Men with trenchcoats and notepads trail you on the street.
This doesn’t just happen in Paul Auster novels. Someone following you and taking notes on your movements could be a private detective, but they could be a police detective.
34. An unfamiliar PT Cruiser appears in your neighborhood.
Nobody drives PT Cruisers except cops.
35. You feel like you are being watched.
36. You receive an unsolicited dick picture.
People don’t send unsolicited photographs of their penises–unless they’re trying to ply you for information.
37. Your cell phone is unexpectedly hot.
If you find your cell phone heating up in your pocket despite disuse, it could mean that spyware is running in the background–and reporting your crimes to Big Brother.
38. Your guy on the inside warns you about an active investigation.
Sometimes your guy on the inside gives you a heads up that the hammer’s about to come down. Believe him.
39. Planes overhead seem unusually low.
Have you ever noticed a plane overhead seems way too low to the ground? It because they’re trying to take a closer look at what you’re up to.
40. Men with bionic eyes watch you through the blinds of nearby houses.
Be alarmed if you start to spot the tell-tale glowing irises of cyborgs staring into your house. Their X-Ray and Heat Map modules don’t just let them see through their blinds–they can see through yours.
41. Facebook asks you to “like” the page of your local police department.
You don’t like the police, so why is Facebook asking you to “like” their page? It’s because they’re nearby so often, the algorithm assumes you must be best friends.
42. Large Humvees full of armored police wind down their windows and glare at you while they pass.
They see you rolling, they hating. If you’ve ever seen a Hatemobile, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If the local fucking MRAP squad is slowing down to mean mug you, you’re fucked.
43. The local police captain informs the media that he will not rest until you are brought to justice
You’re in real hot water if the captain holds a press conference to let the citizenry know that they’re going to bring you to justice. If you’ve packed your bag, flee. If you haven’t packed your bag yet, what are you waiting for?
44. You receive a note in the mail that reads “We know.”
45. Your HR department asks you to please tell the police to stop calling.
If HR complains that the police are calling and asking questions about you often enough that they call you in for a meeting, this has probably been going on longer than you thought.
46. When you cry, a speaker in the room tells you you’re not alone.
It can be jolting at first to realize that someone’s always watching you, but isn’t it nice to know that you have friends you’ve yet to meet?
47. You’re asked to sign a waiver.
These days, you can’t do anything without red tape. TV shows like COPS, which once were able to film suspects candidly, now require the written consent of the bad boys.
48. Your doctor takes extra blood and tells you it’s for the police department.
Going to the phlebotomist isn’t fun, but it’s worse when the police want your blood. Just ask Alex Wubbels.
49. Your tag light is out.
Can we say “pretext stop”? If you notice your tag light is out, pull over at the nearest Auto Zone and replace it IMMEDIATELY. Often times the police will sabotage your lights in order to gain probable cause to pull you over, and once they do, it’s Game Over.
50. You’re placed on the surveillance team for your house.
Uh-oh, if the police have instructed you to surveil your own house, you’re definitely under surveillance.