If you’re like most short-sighted, neophobic Americans, you’re probably looking at the recent surge in Bitcoin prices and salivating like a jackass. Well, quit drooling and get out your wizard robes, because this handy guide is going to show you how to use chaos magick to become a Bitcoin millionaire. Your bank vault will be bursting before this bubble does.

1. Sign up for Coinbase or Localbitcoins.

This is a matter of your preference. If you enjoy meeting strange men on street corners and exchanging large sums of cash, like I do, you can sign up for Localbitcoins here and get started buying Bitcoin. If you prefer a more red tape but the ability to buy and sell currency from the comfort of your own home, you can sign up for Coinbase here.

2. Send a portion of your bitcoin into our magick cauldron.

Place a portion of your Bitcoin into our magick cauldron. Remember, all magick has a price. The bitcoin placed in this cauldron will be enchanted to rise in value, and as a property of sympathetic magick–”as above, so below”–all coin connected to this via the blockchain will receive the same enchantment.

The address of our cauldron is:


3. Put on your wizard robe.

To perform magick, a man must dress like a magician. If you can’t be bothered to wear a proper wizard robe, you will never become a Bitcoin millionaire.

4. Put on your wizard hat.

A robe without a wizard hat is like a smartphone without a removable battery–a complete waste of everyone’s time.

5. Raise your staff in the air.

Watch as Gandalf faces the fearsome Balrog. See how he lifts his staff to convey his power and authority? Do as Gandalf.

Any staff will do, but the more like Gandalf’s your staff is, the better you’ll be. You can purchase his staff here:

6. Invoke the many names of the angels of prosperity.

Mammon, Plutus, Kubera, Renenutet, Njord, each and every wealth creating divinity you know. Vibrate the names in your chest as you repeat the names over and over, building energy until you are brimming with power.

7. Unleash your power.

When you reach your peak gnosis, release the energy into the blockchain by shouting: MAGIC WAND, MAKE MY BITCOIN GROW, and slamming your staff on the ground.

8. Banish.

All good magick requires a good banishing ritual. My personal favorite is the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, but [Peter Carroll’s seminal work on Chaos Magick, Liber Null & Psychonaut, suggests a hearty, maniacal laugh might do just as well.

9. Wait.

Cast this ritual we have performed from your thoughts–after all, one must not lust after results–and resume your normal routine. Occasionally, you will see emergent signs and synchronicity in the world–Bitcoin on the news, loose change on the ground, flowers blooming, gas prices rising. Take note of these. Provided you have done this ritual with purity of intention, sacrificed an appropriate amount of coin to our magick cauldron, and have received the blessings of the gods of wealth, you will find that your Bitcoin holdings will continue to grow at a rate that, if left untouched, might one day equal a million dollars.